The Lone Ranger

Okay, I just sat down to right this and I already feel the rage building. Let me quickly get through the plot rundown so I can butcher this shit apart and point out all the things it does wrong.

Plot
The guy up there on the right, along with with his brother and a handful of other Texas rangers ride out in search of a big bad criminal. Well, things go tits up and they all die. But then the guy on the left shows up and pulls the ranger out of his grave and waits for him to wake up. Tanto tells him he's now some sort of god damn superhero and he can't die. So superhero and Indian decide to go after the fuck bags who killed him.

Alright let's talk about some of the stupid fucking shit this movie does wrong. First, totally fucking pointless framing mechanism. The whole movie is some old ass Tanto talking to a kid in a fair. But for the most part the movie realizes this is stupid and hopes you forget about it, by them mostly not bringing it up. Next, the main villain, whose name I can't even fucking remember, is cartoonishly evil going so far as to eat a human heart at one point because ya know, shock value.  Next up, and the most glaring issue here, this movies tone is wildly inconsistent. Or let me rephrase, the movie's tone isn't inconsistent, it's just constantly being fucking ruined. Everybody in the movie is playing this straight except one person. Give you one guess who. You're right! Johnny fucking Depp. I'm pretty certain that Depp is incapable of being serious in any role. What has he done recently? Charlie and the chocolate factory,  Alice in wonderland, and of course pirates. In everyone of these movies what has Depp done, be fucking silly. After all that being silly, I think Depp has lost any fucking ability to not be silly. And in being silly Depp constantly fucks the tone of this movie. Everyone is playing it straight with a plot full of back stabbing and trickery and then Depp is prancing around feeding a dead bird saying stupid bullshit like "Something very wrong with that horse."

I recall walking out of the theater thinking this movie was okay, though even then I was thinking it had some issues. But now looking back I can't recall anything I liked about this movie, I can only think of things I hated. In case you didn't realize this, that's not a thing you want someone saying about your movie. At the end of the day this movie is bad. It does so many things wrong and I can not think of anything it does right.

3 stupid fucking quips out of 10