Ooops....

So yeah... Well those posts I said will be up soon but I've been in Texas for the last week so go figure. Posts will start again Friday....

And in my defense for the 50/50 thing, it is my belief that the contrast between Joseph GL's acting and Rogan's is what makes this movie work. By the way Levitt seems to be EVERYWHERE this summer. Dark Knight Rises, Looper, and that movie with the bikes.... just can't remember the name but the all look good.

I also retract my comment about That's My Boy. Looking back it wasn't too bad and had a fairly original concept. I really wish Sandler would not have used that voice though.....

50/50 Review

So 50/50, Seth Rogan is in it so it has to be hilarious and awesome right? Wrong; sadly wrong. I'm gonna tell you guys now, I don't think I have much to say about this movie

Plot

The guy on the right of the above image finds out he has a rare form of cancer. If I can recall it was in his spine with 50/50 odds of survival (Now you know where they got the title). The movie then is him dealing with his cancer and his other wise generally shitty life. Seth Rogan (He's the one on the left for those of you who don't know, and if you don't go figure it out the man's hilarious.) plays the lead characters best friend who attempts, at least to a mild extent, to help his buddy cope.

So is it good? No, no it's not. I was excited for this movie when Blue, yeah thats right I'm calling you the fuck out Blue, anyway, he told me to watch it and that Seth Rogan was in it. So I thought it would be hilarious and awesome. But that's exactly the problem with this movie. Seth Rogan is in it. Every actor other than him is doing a straight-faced movie about a guy with cancer dealing with his shit life. Rogan is doing what he always does; being funny craking jokes and generally acting like the kind of person who doesn't care about anything in life. He changes absolutely nothing about how he normally acts. It's like they told him he's playing the best friend, but nobody told him it was the best friend of a guy with cancer. Honestly, if I was the guy with cancer and Rogan was my best friend, I would punch him in the fucking face. And that's my big problem with the movie, everyone is doing a straight-faced cancer movie and then Rogan is there being Rogan. And the thing is, maybe if he had done a really good job at his bit, I would have been able to forgive it, but he doesn't. There was only one point in the movie that I can think of in which he actually made me laugh. Rogan is playing a character who shouldn't even be there, and he's not even doing a good job of it.

3.5 misused talents out of 10

How I Met Your Mother

A lawyer, a teacher, an architect, a tv anchor, and.... well, lets just say a man in a suit, walk into a bar and the rest of the story is legen..... wait for it.... dary.

As you may have guessed (obviously based on the title) this is going to be a not so short blurb about the tv show How I Met Your Mother. Before I watched this show, I was convinced that The Office was the greatest thing in this world since sliced bread. I now know that there are much better things. Also, The Office is in a bit of a decline right now but I'll get to that later.... Back on the point....Really, I have never watched anything that had such great story lines that span the course of seven seasons, have a great cast of well developed characters, and really just grows on you. Each character fills a sort of stereotype and there are also unique characters. Basically the general premise of the show is the main charcter (sorta), Ted, lives in New York and he is trying to find the woman of his dreams. Now, Ted isn't really the main character, I mean he is, but in the general sense of 'normal' main characters. However, the whole time it is being told in a story to his current kids. It's drving ME CRAZY that in seven seasons he still has not said how he met their mother. The show follows every one of the main charcters and they have reccuring characters as well. There are great stories featuring law school, chicks, college times, break-ups, relationships both successful and failed, and goats. Okay, maybe not so much goats but it's mentioned a lot. My point is that there is something for everyone in this show. So yeah, a sitcom that follows five active people in what is considered on of the greatest cities in the United States. Let's talk about the characters:

Ted Mosby - Josh Radnor

Ted is really one of the only stereotypes in the whole show. He really just plays the hopeless romantic that will search and search for his soulmate without a break. Sometimes, it seems a little pathetic but it makes for interesting plot lines that are really funny. Radnor's other work is....small compared to other cast members but Happythankyoumoreplease is a decent drama if you're in the mood for one. He wrote, directed, and starred in it.

Marshall Erikson - Jason Segel

First off, let me just say that Segel quickly became one of my favorite actors a while back. This guy does everything, he wrote the soundtracks Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Get Him to the Greek, The Muppets, and a few songs for HIMYM. He also wrote The Muppets, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and the Five-Year Engagement (have not seen the last one yet but it looks alright...). In HIMYM he plays Marshall who is a lawyer. Really, Marshall isn't quite an easy character to explain. He plays a gentle hearted big guy.... Who is very hilarious in his beliefs and is great at being comically awkward.


Robin Scherbatsky - Cobie Smulders
So....yeah she's hot as all hell. I'm glad that I got that out there. She isn't really in much else, a recent bit role in The Avengers and that was pretty cool to see her there. In this she plays Robin who is a Canadian that moves out to New York and meets the other four. This happens in the first episode and she is around in every episode. Her character is a gun loving, cigar smoking, scotch drinking Canadian. At least in the words of Barny. Her references to Canada and their media is very hilarious due to the fact no one has any idea what the hell she is talking about.


Barny Stinson - Neil Patrick Harris
Barny Stinson is probably one of the biggest jackasses ever. Fictional, or real. Yet, you can't help but to love him. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WL76Tv4xZnE These aren't quite the best ones that I would have picked but they're still damn funny. Barny is constantly picking up chicks and things like that. After a while though, he starts to learn things like feelings and emotions.... he calls them a disease though... Just watch the show, after a few episodes you'll love him, or you'll love to hate him.


Lily Aldrin - Alyson Hannigan
Lily is pretty funny. All in all though, she's kinda my least favorite character because of some certain storyline events late first season early second season. Yeah I know that it's five years later but I still haven't gotten over it. So yeah, she plays Marshall's wife/fiance at certain parts throughout the story. Marshall is a much better character in my opinion just because there are certain things about her I don't really like. Things like her "justice theories", those events I referenced, and she really is the character with the least amount of growth in the show. She really is needed however to bring out... well you'll see.


Look, don't take my word for it, just go watch it. It's addicting though......

They even break out in a showtune once..... How cool is that???

10 Well-Tailored Suits Outta 10
:)

P.S. I know this isn't an album but I've been suffering from no new episodes of this in a while, but there will be a double on Friday. Also, peice of advice, do NOT, NOT, NOT go see That's My Boy. I thought it would be good but yeah..... Not Snadlers best film....

Drive review

Drive, starring Ryan Gosling, a dude who, according to IMDb, has been in a lot of other stuff before despite my having never heard of his ass, came out, last year, in 2011. Look back at that sentence. There are seven commas in it. Deal with it.

So plot run-down,
Gosling plays a nameless individual know only as driver, who, you'll never guess this, You guessed it? How did you know he was a driver? Fuck. Well there goes the whole plan I had for the rest of this post. I was gonna tease you about and drop subtle hits then reveal that at the very end. Well...... damn it. Uhh.... something to say something to say. Wah? Plot run down? Oh yeah.Gosling is a stunt driver for movies but apparently that doesn't pay enough cause he's also a mechanic. But apparently those jobs together still don't pay enough, dude must have some expensive tastes, cause he's also also a get-away driver.

Anyway one of the jobs he's on predictably goes south and he ends up caught between a bunch of pissed of crooks and has to get him, the girl, and the girl's child out safely.

So is it good? Yeah it's pretty decent. It's not outstanding but it has a couple big points in it's favor. The first of these is Gosling's character. I loved his character. He spoke in facts. He told you how things were, what things would happen, and what things wouldn't. And that's how things were. The other point in the movies favor is that the violence, is well, really violent. I can't really give any examples without some levle of spoiler but let me say this, there's two ways to be over-the-top violent, such to the point I would even bring it up. Way one: Mortal Kombat and the death's of vampires in Tru Blood are good anagrams for this. It's just really really really messy. You know Mortal Kombat and I'm willing to bet you've seen the imagie of Sub-Zero holding his opponents skull spine still attached high up in that air to celebrate his victory. If you, some fucking how, don't open another tab and take two seconds to Google it. And for those of you who haven't seen tru blood, you're not missing much. But when a vampire dies, it's like you popped a giant vampire-sized bag full of nothing but blood and a few stringy bits. This type of violence really does not leave an impression, for a moment you go "Oh my" Then it's over and you forget and don't care. This is for the fourteen year old who thinks amount of blood on screen is directly correlated to the enjoyment he should be having. The violence in Drive isn't like that. When people die, It actually seems like their body had some semblance of resistance. Especially the elevator scene. You watch the movie you'll know what I'm talking about.

7.5 bald plastic head covers so my hair doesn't catch on fire during this car crash out of 10.

Life Will Write The Words by The Rocket Summer

Life Will Write the Words by The Rocket Summer

Released: June 12, 2012

Label: Aviate Records

First off, let me say that I am 100% completely aware that I have been really slacking on these album reviews. I don't think that two a week is too many and I do love to love to listen to music, but I have been just a bit busy. With that, I would like to say that I am a bit sorry. But just a bit. Anyways, here we go with this album by The Rocket Summer. First off, a bit of background about this artist. The Rocket Summer is actually just one guy by the name of Bryce Avary. On almost all of his tracks in his, now, five albums he has played  every instrument and sung every song. This includes bass, piano, guitar, drums, and more. Of course when he goes on tour, he brings other musicians with him but still, that's not the point. Avarly, writes and records every track on every one of his albums. That is very impressive, at least to me, as a musician/songwriter myself. This album is quite good. It is a very "pop" type of feel to it for the vast majority of it and it leaves you with a good feeling towards the end of it. There really isn't much more to say here but here are some notable tracks!

Track One - Run and Don't Stop

This really sets the pace for the whole album. Its very upbeat and has some music/lyrics that would be able to lift your spirits.

Track Two - Revival

Track Three - Prove it

Track Four - Old Love

Track Five - 200,000

This track really is just..... awesome. Can't quite explain it.

Track Six - Just For A Moment Forget Who You Are

Track Seven - Circa '46

Track Eight - Underrated

This song just kinda sends a good message. I like it...

Track Nine - Soldiers

It's just a bit slow.... Not saying that this is quite just a bad thing but this track in particular isn't for me.

Track Ten - The Rescuing Type

Track Eleven - Scrapbook

Track Twelve - Ashes Made of Spades

This is a good way to end the album. Fast. Just like it started. 

6.5 broken E strings out of 10

Fast and the Furious Review

No not the first Fast and the Furious, any Fast and the Furious.

Why yes I do realize I didn't post on Friday, to make it up to you I will be simultaneously reviewing five movies.

The Fast and the Furious (Released in 2001)

2 Fast 2 Furious (Released in 2003)

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (Released in 2006)

Fast & Furious (Released in 2009) (Holy shit they used and ampersand instead of spelling out and)

Fast Five (Released in 2011) (I guess fury dies off after four movies, they were only mad in this one, but that doesn't allow for alliteration so they didn't put it in the title.)

And of these five movies, Everything I'm about to say will apply to them, and yes I have seen them all so I'm not just supposing that one isn't different.

And the planned Fast Six for 2013, well if it's any different I promise to eat the copy of The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift I own.

So anyway plot rundown,

What plot? There isn't a plot, okay there is a plot, but it doesn't matter. I promise you the plot doesn't matter. Go ahead, take anyone of these movies and watch the second half, then watch the first half. I promise you wont be confused. Wanna know why? There's really only three things that happen in these movies.

Thing 1: Hot chicks being on screen.

Thing 2: Nice cars going fast (Hey that's where they got half the title.)

Thing 3: People aggressively (You could almost say furiously) pointing guns and occasionally shooting at each other.

That's it. That's all that happens. Okay yes there are other scenes sure, but those are like the scenes in porn where everyone on screen is wearing clothes, sure they exist but that's not what you're watching it for they are only there to hold together the plot that's so thin you can see through it.

All of these movies of the same. They all consist of the same three scenes shuffled about and very very loosely tied together.

These are not the kind of movies you put on if you are wanting a riveting story. These are the movies you put on when it's been a long day or maybe you're drunk or high.

However, and this is very important, the people behind these movies know this. They know their movies aren't smart and the plot doesn't matter, so they don't try to be smart and they do what the can to make the bits that don't fall into one of the three aforementioned categories as short as possible. They know their audience they know what the movie is really about and they deliver.

Hot chicks, fast cars, guns, booze, Vin Diesel, you get these five things in all of them. They know what they're doing and they do it well. You have to be in the mood for these movies but when you are, they fucking deliver.

8 soooooooo not street legal cars, out of 10

Final Fantasy XIII-2

Final Fantasy XIII-2

Released: December 15, 2011

Publisher: Square Enix

So it has been a while since I've reviewed Final Fantasy XIII.... And if you don't remember or haven't read it, then let me just say, I thought it was a very big and very large step in the wrong direction. The combat was terrible, the story was ridiculous, and it basically shuffled the player down a narrow corridor for the first 20+ hours of the game. Even then, many of the "side missions" that you could do required you to be at a higher level than was reasonable before you beat the game. Those are probably the biggest ones, but there are many more. In short, many fans thought that it was the worst Final Fantasy ever, I just said it was the worst since X-2. Anyways, here's the actual start of the Final Fantasy XIII-2.

So while they didn't really improve any gameplay aspects of the game, they made it much more interesting than it was last time. This time around they threw in what amounts to a Pokemon-esque sort of element. This time around you only have two playable characters and the third character is a monster that you have "tamed" after you get the ability to do so. How this works is most monsters are tamable, and they each have a capture rate. Every tamable monster is assigned one of the Final Fantasy XIII roles, so sentinel, synergyst, medic, and etc. You can have up to three monsters to switch from in your paradigm deck. The setup looks a bit like this:

Paradigm Pack: Golden Chocobo COM

               Cloudburst           RAV

               Silver Chocobo    SEN

Paradigm Deck: COM COM COM

               RAV  RAV RAV

                        etc. etc.

Yes, not a lot different, but still, different. Strategy comes into play a little bit more than in the last one. It is very fun to pretend you are throwing a Pokeball at the monster as the battle ends and thinking "Gotta catch em all." There is only one acheivement for this system and that makes it so it's no where near as annoying as it could be.

The plot in the last one was not good at all. It was hard to follow and when you did follow it, it seemed very poorly put together. I wish I could say this one is 100% better, but I can't. The plot in this game seemed good and then started to decline. I think that it was much more manageable to understand than the last one but still put together very poorly. Basically, after the ending of the last one a man named Caius Ballard goes back in time and messes up history. Lightning ends up in Valhalla and is fighting him. Her sister Serah, the girl you spent all last game saving, remembers her getting out of the crystal pillar, but no one else does. Serah has a dream that she needs to go find Lightning and then a man by the name of Noel shows up. He convinces Serah that Lightning is still alive and they start travelling through time to go find her. That is really it. Yeah, that is not that complicated by itself but then when they start jumping through time gates. I'll just leave it at that. It is really cool that they let you see where all the other characters are years after though. During the game you get to see Hope, Snow, Lightning, Sazh, Vanille, and Fang. It's pretty interesting to see Hope as the leader of, well, the human race.

The save whenever feature is a nice addition. It seems that for the most part they took all the good things from Final Fantasy XIII-2 and then improved on some of those others.

8 extremely annoying hands of time puzzles out of 10



Lex Hives by The Hives

Lex Hives by The Hives

Released June 5, 2012

Produced by The Hives

Well, all in all, this is a decent album. The Hives here stuck to there regular styles and sounds which have 

obviously worked for them with their four previous releases. This album is not in the same league as The Black and White Album by them. 

It does not have a track that stands out quite as much as Tick Tick Boom, at least, not for me. I did think that it was okay, but had potential to be great. I just think that this album was really a step backwards for them, track for track it was much better. It really might not help that I don't care much for this genre, but I really, really liked the Black and White Album because it was done all around better. I do not think that this album is worth the buy unless you really like The Hives and their music. And now the track list.

Track One - Come On!

Track Two - Go Right Ahead

Track Three - 1000 Answers

Track Four - I Want More

Track Five - Wait A Minute

Track Six - Patrolling Days

Track Seven - Take Back The Toys

Track Eight - Without the Money

Track Nine - These Spectacles Reveal the Nostalgic

Track Ten - My Time Is Coming

Track Eleven - If I Had A Cent

Track Twelve - Midnight Shifter

Yes, no notable tracks.... It seems harsh but it really isn't. I only make a track notable if it is very shitty, or very awesome. Seeing as they are neither this makes all of them at least in the middle of the spectrum of music. Not too bad if you ask me.

5 self -produced albums out of 10

Soooooo I think it's time I explain my rating system. I realize that this is the third one and I haven't rated anything above a 5. But here's the breakdown:

1-2 = I didn't like it

3-4 = It was okay

5-6 = I liked it

7-8 = I really liked it

9-10 = It was awesome 

The Grey review.

The grey, a movie in which Liam Neeson punches a wolf in the face..... except that he doesn't. No I'm not kidding you. Yes I know that's what drove 96% of the people who saw the movie to see it. Because Liam fucking Neeson is gonna punch a wolf in the face. And before you say anything yes it matter that is is Mr. Nesson, because if it was Johnny who-gives-a-shit punching a wolf in the face you wouldn't care. Unless of course it was Jason Statham punching a wolf in the face that would be cool, but then of course there would have to be a scene in which Mr. Statham went to the wolf den and had sex with one of the girl wolves, which is almost certainly illegal, and that's why Liam Neeson is the star of this movie.

But in all seriousness now, that scene never happens. Oh yeah there's the part with him that the screenshot is from. Where he straps the little booze bottles into his hand and then breaks them.... and that's is. He gets all ready to deck the wolf and then the credits roll. Yup, you sit through the entire fucking movie for that scene and it never fucking happens. If this movie were a girl she would be the queen of blue-balling.

Plot rundown

Not much to say here. Neeson plays a guy with some really hard to pronounce last name who works for..... I don't know what the company he works for does. All I know is it happens in the arctic and he gets paid to shoot wolves so they don't attack the workers at whatever-the-fuck incorporated. Anyway while either heading home or heading there on a plane ride the plane crashes. Nearly everyone dies leaving only Neeson and like six other guys. Now if you're like me you though this would be a stand-off in which the guys dig in and fight against the wolves. That's not what happens. Neeson in forms the guys they are to close to a wolf den and should try to distance themselves and hope the wolves leave them alone. And that's the whole movie. A dwindling party of men run away from wolves. And that's all there is folks.

Is it good? Not really. I was really disappointed with this movie. Even more so than just the fact that there isn't actually a scene where Neeson decks a wolf. The whole movie was just disappointing. In fact the way the movie is done it's closer to horror movie than the action I was expecting. The big bad wolves are actually quite rarely screen and when they are it's never for long, they generally show up just long enough to kill someone then dip out. In fact if the wolves were replaced with something more horror-y it would probably be a much better movie. Have the plane crash occur on top of a secret military base and crazy mutated experiments pop out and chase the guys would have been much better than wolves. And you would only need to re-shoot like, 30 min, probably a lot less honestly. But anyway as it is not really all that great. No it's not terrible and there are certainly much much worse movies, but it's not all that good either.

5.5 cock-teases out of 10

-_-

Sorry about not posting anything Friday, that was a bit of a fail. I do have a valid excuse though, I'm too damn busy playing Final Fantasy XIII-2!!!!! Well really in all seriousness there really wasn't anything that came out that was really, well, good. Or even decent. And after listening to 3's I really don't want to listen to another shitty album. And oh look, someone thinks I'm a moron! Well that's all good and well because I don't care what that person thinks. If they want to listen to shitty music that's their problem, not mine. Also, remember that each one of these reviews is done on a one listen run though unless noted otherwise. But yeah, really, this week was terrible week for releases and next week will hopefully be a bit better I already know what two are coming. Wednesday is going to be The Rocket Summer's Life Will Write the Words and and either The Hives' Lex Hives or Cody Simpsons' Paradise, but definitely The Rocket Summers album, the three track preview they put out is decent...... If you'll excuse me though..... I'm gonna go back to Final Fantasy XIII-2......... 

Pan's Labyrinth

Anybody recognize this creepy bastard? No it's not some poor guy jigsaw mutilated it saw 43. They're on 43 now right? Well anyway this guy, as you may have guessed from the title of this post, is from Pan's labyrinth. Fun fact I did not know how to spell labyrinth till I watched this movie.

So then plot run down, guaranteed spoiler-free.

The movie opens with a little girl named Ofelia and her mother moving to their new home with the captain, The man Ofelia's mother married after the death of her father and the dad of the as yet unborn son Ofelia's mother is currently carrying in her belly. The captain is, go figure, a captain in the Spanish army fighting against the rebel uprising. It's quickly revealed Ofelia want's nothing to do with the captain quickly reminding everyone that her father was once a tailor and is now dead when the refer to the captain as her dad. It's revealed in short order however that Ofelia is not just a little girl but is in fact Princess Moanna, the daughter of the ruler of the underworld. However, before she can be allowed into the underworld she must complete three tasks before the full moon. The movie the follows her completion of the tree tasks as well as her life as a young child forced to deal with a new environment she doesn't want to be in, as issues arise with her mother and the rebels put pressure on the Captain and his men.

Overall is it good? Sadly yes, it's good. This is sad cause it's only good. There are enough well done points here for it to have been great but it's not. The costume design of the mythical creature, such as Mr. Eyeballs-in-hands above. And a couple time during the movie there are some underlying plot threads that are teased at, Like the scene during a dinner where Ofelia's mom is asked how she met the captain that left me wondering how that really went down and toying with the concept that the captain was somehow behind Ofelia's father's death. And a scene near the end of the movie where Ofelia see something magical and then another character shows up and doesn't see it which leads me to question if Ofelia is actually hallucinating and fantasizing things she finds more pleasing that her reality, fans of Suckerpunch will understand this concept very well. Those of you who don't know Suckerpunch....... shame on you. Fuck Pan's labyrinth go watch Suckerpunch, it's fuckin amazing.

Anyway yeah overall it's still good but I'm disappointed that it's not as good as it could have been. And one final point the guy up there Mr. Eyeballs-in-hands, I swear he was used in like every single piece of promotional material for this movie, but is only actually in the movie for like 15 min tops, Half of which he spends asleep.

6 Mr. Eyeballs-in-hands out of 10