Hotline Miami Review

Holy tits it's a game review. Yeah I know I haven't done one in a while. Games are expensive and take a lot more time to properly experience than a movie. Steam tells me I have nine hours logged in HM and I still haven't unlocked all the weapons and masks.

So for those of you who have never heard of this and are currently going wtf is Hotline Miami allow me to answer that question. HM is an indie came published by Devolver Digital released Oct. 23 2012. The game primarily follows the male in the center of the above photo known only as "Jacket". Jacket receives a message on his answering machine talking about a shipment of cookies that was delivered to his apartment. Upon opening the "cookies" he finds a Rooster mask and is instructed to go to a specific building and kill everyone inside. Jacket does this and over the next several days receives more of the messages on his answering machine telling him when and where to make his hits.

The gameplay of HM consist of the player controlling Jacket as he makes his hits. IT's a top down very fast paced ultra-violent slaughter fest covered in bright flashy lights, garish colors, and very fitting techno music to back. Everything in HM happens very very quickly. Allow me to give you a look into what my thoughts are when starting a level of HM. (Try reading the next paragraph very quickly.)

Alright pick the mask. Go. Kick open the door. Punch the guy knock him to the ground. Grab him slam his head on the floor. Again. Again. K he's dead. Take the bat. Wait.... kick open the door to knock this guy down. Fuck a dog I'm dead. Restart. Knock open the door. Punch the guy. Execute. Take pipe. wait.. k open got that guy down. Get the dog! Ha take that dog. Guys back up smack him. Kill the guy in the bathroom. Fuck shot by a guy I didn't see. Restart. Bust in. Kill first guy. Knock down second guy. Kill dog. Kill second guy. Back up. K I didn't get shot. Pop around the corner throw the bat. Hit the gun guy. Run and execute. Take gun. Shoot fourth guy. Fuck I'm dead. Restart.

So I think you get it, just try and imagine all of that in under a minute. Now dying this often would be annoying if there were harsh penalties to death here. Thankfully there are not. Tap the R key and you instantly restart the section of the level you're on and try again. And since it's possible to kill 12 enemies in as many seconds it's not wasting a huge amount of time to restart even if you'd almost cleared the area.

This game is great. The gameplay, the visuals, and the music all work very well together and make for a very nice experience. Now this game could have just been flashy, blood-soaked, techno beats and I would still have had a great time and think it's totally worth getting, but they didn't stop there. The game actually has a surprisingly well done story wherein Jacket slowly becomes more and more insane, hallucinating a trio of his masks talking to him; one seeming concerned, one making cryptic predictions and asking questions Jacket would probably rather not think about, and the third seeming to be disgusted with Jacket and what he does. The game slowly gets more and more fucked as it goes on. And after the final showdown time rewinds and the player is given a new perspective to see things from; Biker. Biker was a sort of boss fight around level six for Jacket and in Jackets fucked up perception of things he kills Biker. Biker turns out to be receiving messages similarly to Jacket instructing him to go places and slaughter the inhabitants, but biker wants the fuck out and is trying to squeeze answers from anyone he can. The secondary perspective adds further dept and Biker himself has a slightly different play-style in that he's limited only to his personal meat cleaver and three throwing knives which he starts every level with, whereas Jacket doesn't start with a weapon (unless you pick the mask that gives you the knife to begin with) but is able to use any weapons he finds laying around or pulls from the dead hands of his victims.

I do have a couple issues with the game though. One of them being that around level nine of the story the lightning fast pace has a collar wrapped round it's throat and jerked back to a far more sane area. Jacket wakes up in the hospital for reasons I'm not going to discuss and must sneak out. This is bad for two reasons, one it forces stealth upon the player which is done nowhere else in the game, but more importantly it makes you go slowly. Have just gotten up for the first time in a couple weeks Jacket seems to have forgotten how to walk and if you go more than about five steps the screen gets hazy and you begin to wobble. Going too far results in you being forced to stop while Jacket clutches his head and calms down for a few seconds. Story-wise I understand why this level is here but it really does not fit well with the rest of the game. Thankfully after this level the pace is resumed and things carry on as before.

My other complaint (And this could entirely be a result of my set up. Perhaps the game doesn't like my video card or something.) is that the game has lots of weird graphical bugs and is slightly prone to crashing. It usually begins with the points indicator going black and the ammo indicator refusing to leave when I'm not holding a gun. Sometimes it gets pretty bad and walls and enemies fade in and out of existence. Once my entire screen was simply a color gradient. Everything else was gone.

Those complaints being mentioned I do still think this is a genuinely good game and do intend to spend at least a bit more time with it.

Gameplay: 8.5 out of 10
Story: 7 out of 10
Visuals: 7.5 out of 10
Audio: 8 out of 10
Overall: 8 caved in skulls out of 10

P.S. Hotline Miami 2: Wrong number has been confirmed for release this year.

Redemption Review

While looking for this image I came across other images which lead me to believe this movie may also be called hummingbird? Not sure what that's about, or if I'm just totally fucking wrong.

Plot:
Jason McBadass Statham is a bum living on the streets hiding out because he's some ex-military deserter. One night some thugs come by his box and he beats them up and runs off breaking into the house of a rich man who is luckily away for the next few months. He assumes a new identity and begins working as new muscle for the local gang. He learns from a nun who hands out food to the homeless that his old box-mate/girlfriend/friend/some-girl-he-cares-about Isabel was found washed up on the riverbanks after being beaten to death by some guy she was servicing for money. He of course goes out looking for blood.

I decided to watch this movie almost entirely because of who the main actor is here and well, I was disappointed. For a Statham film this is actually pretty non-violent. Very little of this film consists of him beating people senseless and shooting guns as we've come to expect. For those of you expecting something similar, this is no Crank. Not by a long shot. The majority of the film focuses on his changing as a person as he gets a different view of the city from his new position and tires to help out his old fellow homeless people.

I went into this expected nothing to story heavy just some minor set up for Jason to start cracking skulls and ending lives like we know he does so well. That doesn't really happen. Over the course of the movie he beats up something like four people. Kills maybe two. Fires a gun a total of one time. I don't think this was a bad movie, I'm just not sure they picked the right lead for this script. I think Statham does okay with his role. I just feel like this isn't really his strong suit.

It's not a terrible movie, it's just not what I was expecting and for what it is it isn't done poorly, it's just also not done very well. Kinda just meanders around for a while before ending without a huge amount of resolution.

5 nuns out of 10

Arena Review

Never heard of this movie? Neither had I! But as I mentioned in my review of the Last Stand I was sick recently and spent time watching shit on Netflix while lying in bed.... not that I need the excuse of sickness to do that.

So what the fuck is this movie? Well you probably know who the guy on the left is. Yup Samuel L. Jackson. Wtf is he doing in some direct-to-video throw away flick you've never heard of? He's being an evil Mastermind!

Plot:
As mentioned above, SLJ have taken to being an evil mastermind, more specifically he, and his crew, have decided to abduct guys off the street and force them to fight to the death gladiator style so they can film it, put it on the internet, and make tons of money by having people pay to watch and bet on the fights. Blondie up there on the right is their latest unlucky fuck who gets nabbed in bar while drinking to forget the death of his wife. David lord (blondie) is a fireman but conveniently also an ex-marine so they can sweep the existence his amazing combat skills under the rug. He's force to fight some guy named Ripper and tries not to but has to defend himself when Ripper won't stop attacking. After killing Ripper he attacks a couple of the guards trying to get free and is brought before ringleader Jackson. Jackson offers him a deal; if Lord can win ten fights, he'll let him go. Lord, thankfully, promptly calls him on this bullshit saying there's no way in hell that he would be released. After being forced into a second fight to defend the wife of his new friend/cellmate he accepts Jackson's deal on the condition that his tenth fight is "the executionor" a black hooded fellow who cuts the head's off the losers, that Lord has found a special hatred for.

As I was considering watching this I looked at a handful of the reviews on Netflix and they compared this movie to deadliest warrior, and I do see where they made the connection. Each of the staged fights has a theme and they are to the death. Overall this movie is okay but it's not great. There's nothing it really does wrong it just doesn't do enough for me to really want to recommend it. Despite the obvious draw of the movie being the arena fights, they actually seem to be a minorty in therms of screen time. There's only 5 real fights in the whole movie (Yes Lord does ten of them, but six of his are quickly skipped with little flashes showing him being the winner.) There's one right at the start between ripper and some faceless guy who he kills. There's the fight between Ripper and Lord which last about 3 minutes and isn't particularly enthralling. There's his second fight, which exists more as a story point than a spectacle. There's his ninth fight, which is the best of them, where he fights some massive, convict cueball. And the big finale between Lord and the executioner is literally just a punching match. The pair of them standing in a sand pit punching each other in the face for like ten minutes repeatedly inter cut by scenes of everything else going on at the time.

In addition to the main draw of the film taking a back seat, the sub plot of his wife being killed in a car accident a couple months before he was abducted is totally unnecessary. I would have thought it was meant to make you feel bad for Lord being placed into this position. The thing is this doesn't make sense when the (not terribly shocking but at least unexpected) twist is revealed. I'd rather not spoil it but it makes Lord into much less of a victim in all of this.

All in all this movie isn't terrible I just think it could have worked out better. I've seen a lot of these people forced into a deathmatch style movies and everyone of them always leaves me a little disappointed.... maybe someday I'll find the one that did it right.

6.5 decapitations out of 10

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters Review

…It’s not very good.
Well that about wraps it up.
…fine I’ll say a bit more.

Plot:
The pair in the picture above are Hansel and Gretel (I’ll let you guess which is which) and as in the fairy tale they go to a house made of candy. Therein they encounter a witch who, presumably, intends to eat them and forces Hansel to eat a lot of candy. Gretel manages to free herself and shanks the bitch prison style. She then frees her brother and they cook the old hag in her own oven. The siblings (now orphaned) decided, hey we’ve got a talent for this witch murdering thing, and decide to continue doing that for a number of off-screen years to change them from their child selves to the people you see above, who I guess are supposed to look badass but kinda fall short of that… by a fair distance. They get called in by a village with several missing children to deal with the witch they believe is behind it and in the course of doing so they find a dark secret about their past. WoooOOOoooo spooky.

So I said this movie isn’t very good; why is that? Well there’s a few reasons. For one the big shocking reveal is not shocking and has absolutely no effect on anything at all. Hansel has some stupid ass disease called sugar sickness from being force fed too much candy in the captivity of the witch as a child, but this is only mentioned twice ever in the movie. Once to say he has it, and once more in the very last fight to add about fifteen seconds of tension cause he collapses from his stupid illness. I’m sorry did you expect me to actually think the good guys wouldn’t win cause Hansel had an upset stomach for a few seconds. The witches are supposed to have cracked the code to being invincible and have summoned in all their friends for a big all witches brouhaha. But this doesn’t upset the balance at all since Hansel and friends have found a magic potion the allows their weapons to ignore the witches’ magic and poured it all over a minigun (no I’m not kidding). But what bothers me the most about this movie is Jeremy fuckin Renner. He is capable of doing so much better than this, and I’m not saying everything is his fault, I think he did an okay job at the shit part he was handed… but this is Hawkeye. This is the guy from the Bourne Legacy. This is that other guy from the new Mission Impossible movie. And he’s doing this shit!? Ugh.

In conclusion this movie isn’t outwardly awful, but it’s boring, forgettable, and everything here has been done better elsewhere. Skip it.

4 of something relating to this movie that I already forgot about out of 10

The Last Stand Review

So I felt like crap when I woke up and decided to lay in bed all day and not do anything, and that means one thing; Netflix!

Plot Rundown:
Arnold, or his character Rey, is a small town sheriff all set up to enjoy a lazy weekend in his calm town, but of course, because he is Arnold fuckin Schwarzenegger in a movie, nothing can be simple. The FBI has some super smart, super deadly criminal and while being transferred to a prison he breaks the fuck out. His plan? Why go to Mexico of course. His route takes him through the small town in which our large friend here is the aforementioned sheriff. And as that photo up there says, “Not in his town” Rey don’t take no bullshit from nobody and he’s not about to let this con roll through his town and escape.

So of course everyone ends up shooting everyone else, the big finale being a shootout between the small police force of the city and the cons lackeys. Now this movie isn’t going to shatter your fucking world. You’ve probably seen at least a dozen different version of this movie before. Contrived reason for bad guys and good guys to be in the same location. Bad guys shoot at good guys. Good guys shoot at bad guys. Good guys win. And that’s not a spoiler, because you already knew that was gonna be the end of the movie.

As I said, this movie isn’t new or revolutionary. Nothing here is earth shattering or particularly though provoking. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. And here’s why; this movie knows what it’s here for. It’s not trying to be some new amazing film. It knows it’s an action movie and you’re watching it to see gun fights are car chases. And that’s exactly what you get. And what you do get is done very well. If you like action movies, you’d probably like this movie. It’s not a must see, but if you’re looking for something to watch, you could do much worse.

7.5 giant ass revolvers out of 10
On a side note, I used to use a scale like a teacher in that average was a C was 7/10. From this post forward average will be 5, things above 5 are good, things below are bad? Mmkay?

YouTube Melody - Edition Four - 2013 Rewind Special

So I haven’t done a YouTube melody in a while and thought what with it being 2014 now (unless you’re on the Chinese calendar which still has roughly a month or so before the new year if I’m not mistaken) I thought the best thing to talk about might not be what’s on the music page right the fuck now, as I normally do, but perhaps would be some of the 25 songs that YouTube listed as top 25 trending music videos of 2013. Without further ado;

#1 Psy – Gentleman
Eh. Something worse certainly could have been here. If you’d asked me to compose a list of what I thought the top songs released in 2013 was…. Well that would be a tedious process of me trying to remember when I came across what songs, then verifying their release dates, and probably would end with me telling you to go fuck yourself. That digression aside, this song certainly would not have been on it. Not cause I hold anything against this song, mostly cause I just heard it 3 minutes ago for the first time ever. It’s fine. Like Gangnam Style, I can’t well understand most of the words, other than “I’m a mother fucker, gentleman” Which you might notice is distinctly different from “I’m a mother fucking gentleman”. The latter statement would imply that Psy was a gentleman and either he fornicates with women who have bore children, or he is adamant in telling you about his gentlemanly-ness. However for the entirety of the video Psy does very ungentlemanly things which is partially why I believe the statement he makes is the former not the latter. Like I said, it’s fine. His pants are weirdly long in the crotch area.

#2 Miley Cyrus – Wrecking ball
Do I need to say anything about this one? Has everyone already heard everything they need to hear about it? Would this photo be enough to get me off the hook?
Yes that is in fact Betty white riding a wrecking ball.
….fine. So Miley’s mad at her boytoy and she comes is blow steam and then it ends up that she’s the one who gets hurt…. That’s it. The song is ok. It in no way justifies all the damn publicity and hype. OH MY GOD SHE’S NAKED! Fucking forgive me if I’m not shocked. I’d seen a naked girl before.

#3 Miley Cyrus – We can’t stop
I’ve talked about this one before but if you’re too lazy to go find my slightly more thought out opinion of this, It’s okay almost kinda sort of getting to the point where I like it a little but I can’t get over the content/tone mismatch. Now, you can mismatch content and tone (See Good Charlotte – The day that I die) but here it just doesn’t seem to work right for me.

#7 Rihanna – Stay ft. Mikky Ekko
I’ve never been a Rihanna fan, never really listened to her stuff before. For the most part you can consider me oblivious to her career, the only song that I know I’ve heard that I can attribute to her is the one that goes “Where have you been all my li-i-i-i-i-i-i-ife” over and over. Listened to this…. Still not a Rihanna fan. Moving on.

#11 One Direction – Best song ever
Now these songs I’m picking aren’t at random or anything, I’m just kind choosing one every so often at my discretion, so there were several parts of me that wanted to not choose this one. I haven’t listened to it yet, but I have one thing to say before I do: I fucking doubt it. … … Okay so music videos are stupid. They are. They just are. But what’s even worse than a just plain stupid music video, is a stupid fucking music video that takes over two fucking minutes to get to the god damn music! Ahh here we are, the music, I’d been beginning to think this video was a fucking troll. Oh I see, they aren’t saying this is the best song ever, they’re talking about the best song ever in this song… well you see, there’s a far better song which talks about the best song ever. Jack Black wrote it years ago. Are any of these fucking kids Jack Black? I didn’t think so.

#14 Macklemore and Ryan Lewis – Can’ hold us Ft. Ray Dalton
Fist thing I wanna say is that at 6 minutes, this shit clocks in as one long ass song. (The video is 7 minutes but the last minute isn’t part of the song…. Hey it’s almost like they knew people would want the damn music first. Take a page one direction… Christ who am I kidding you bastards need a couple full volumes) The song? It’s actually pretty good. If you haven’t heard it, I’d give this one a try.

#16 Daft Punk – Get Lucky ft. Pharrell Williams
Yes yes yes, why isn’t this higher on the list, yes. I have now found one thing that would certainly be on a best of list 2013 was I to write one. I’m not going to so don’t bother asking. If you haven’t heard this, go fix that. Also… Pharrell? Spelled like that? What the fuck was wrong with this guy’s parents to give their son a name that fucked up? Or is this a thing that relates to his ancestry that I’m just not getting?

#21 Taylor Swift – 22
I don’t know about you Taylor? After all we’ve been through you have the gall to say that. That hurts you know. I know you. You’re the cute perfectly innocent little down home southern girl who repeatedly dates cartoon supervillians, even when ya know going in they’re bad. And whoever this person is that you’re instructing to make sure they keep you close, I’m sure he’s gonna break your heart too. I had mixed feelings about we are never ever getting back together, but I did eventually really come to like that song, this one, I don’t think I ever will come to like it just seems so…. empty for Taylor. Woo we’re having fun. That’s it. Kinda disappointing. I know I just basically said all of her old songs were rather samey, but they at least seemed to have some soul in them. This is just…. here. Were the events of Taylor’s old breakup songs true, those would leave her with memories she’d never forget. This... she’ll forget this within a week. And so will I.

#25 Lady Gaga – Applause
As with Rihanna I've never been a big Lady Gaga fan.... or a small Lady Gaga fan... or an averaged-sized Lady Gaga fan. The one thing I can say about this song is that I'd be much more fond of it if she sung the entire thing in the voice she used in the second half of the chorus. Her voice sounds nice then but for some reason she does both verses in a lower voice that I just don't really care for, and that does not convey emotion well. She has this monotone blandness when talking about some of the critcism she gets, and it probably is best for her to not care about critics, but the other part being so damn lively and the transitions back and forth.... just don't not work for me.

First Impressions: Pokemon X 3DS

Pokemon X

Release Date: October 12, 2013

Publisher: Nintendo

Really, this will not be a full review, but I'm really not going to do another one because there isn't much that is going to change my perspective of the game, there's a few more gym badges and the Elite Four, also some new trade things, but mostly, the same and good old Pokemon. 

And really, I could stop there and give it a rating. Those who have played the games would know what I mean and disagree or agree, but those who haven't wouldn't know anything more. So the game starts as any other, you're a child in (usually) a new town and low and behind there is a professor near by. That professor is kind enough to give you and the neighborhood children a pokemon! And just like that you are off to catch them all (in other words enslave a bunch of different species of animals and make them fight each other), beat all the gym leaders, challenge the Elite Four, and pretty much whatever else you want to do with your little slaves! Er, I mean, pokemon (I kid, but that's kinda what it's like). Along the way you also save the world against some nefarious foes and get an awesome legendary pokemon along the way.

So moving on, let me just say I LOVE the normal Pokemon games. Not all the franchise games, but Red, Blue, Yellow, Gold, Silver, Black, White, Platinum, and all the rest. The amount of strategy it takes to make a complete party mesh and work with one another but also keeping yourself from having any glaring weaknesses. There is also breeding to think about, the chance to get them all, the ability to restart and play with new starters and an entire different party. In my opinion, the replay value is quite high, but it takes a lot to bring yourself to delete your people and there's always the idea of raising your pokemon to level 100 and doing the Battle Tower type things till your hearts content. There are also two different titles with exclusive pokemon. And this goes for really every release pair of games since they've started. I've played probably 700+ hours on the games total, easy. So again, needless to say that I really like the series. But lets get into the version specific bit.

So far I am roughly 20 hours into the game, and four gym badges in. I like it. I really, really, really, like it. The 3DS make the game all the better with the pretty graphics, the system also allows for things such as diagonal moving now, the actual 3D of the game is... awesome. I wasn't sure when I first saw the system in the store and tried it, but now with the XL I recently just purchased I feel they did some kind of overhaul with the XL. Anyways, that is beside the point, point is, this is a great addition to the franchise in part just because of the new system. And yeah, I'm a little late to the 3DS party, but call me a skeptic turned believer. And a lot of the good things are really the same with all the pokemon games. A new region, a new set of bad guys, new pokemon, and new gyms. The mechanics are basically the same in battle as always and this game is already proven to be a time sink into my time and I am enjoying it. 

So onto the things that are merely eh for me. These are really only small little gripes that I have against an otherwise awesome game. So the new bad guy team, Team Flair(Flare?), is..... Ugh. I don't like em. I miss the makes of team Aqua/Magma because they had at least some redeeming quality to them. 

Here there is absolutely none to be found and it's a little disappointing. Not a huge deal, but something I can nitpick. The only other thing is the new pokemon, I like them, but I HATE their names, I mean haaate their names. Nintendo tried to make them all too punny. Names such as Frogadier, Doublade, Bunnelby, Honedge, and others are too.... ach for me. They are obviously alluding to other things like double blade. And Talonflame??? That one isn't even trying....These names are everywhere. I mean really, what happened to the good names, such as Charizard.... oh what... Char, hazard... Oh. Soooo.... Torchic.... Torch, chick... Emboar.... Ember, boar....Yeah, so these games have been doing that for a loooong time, but this one did it so bad that I finally realized it. That really isn't an issue either, but it's something they could have done better at...

And yeah, that's my impression of it so far. Likely not to change.

Blue, signing on for the first time in a while....

Gameplay: 10 of 10

Story: 5 of 10

Aesthetics: 10 of 10 (lovin' the 3D)

Audio: 8 of 10 (classic one still)

Overall: 9.5 Doublades out of 10

Also, this one may have given me a new favorite pokemon in Doublade. He's fucking awesome with a really unique type... Still don't like his name though.