So I haven’t done a YouTube melody in a while and thought
what with it being 2014 now (unless you’re on the Chinese calendar which still
has roughly a month or so before the new year if I’m not mistaken) I thought
the best thing to talk about might not be what’s on the music page right the
fuck now, as I normally do, but perhaps would be some of the 25 songs that YouTube listed as top 25 trending music videos of 2013. Without further ado;
#1 Psy – Gentleman
Eh. Something worse certainly could have been here. If you’d asked me to compose a list of what I thought the top songs released in 2013 was…. Well that would be a tedious process of me trying to remember when I came across what songs, then verifying their release dates, and probably would end with me telling you to go fuck yourself. That digression aside, this song certainly would not have been on it. Not cause I hold anything against this song, mostly cause I just heard it 3 minutes ago for the first time ever. It’s fine. Like Gangnam Style, I can’t well understand most of the words, other than “I’m a mother fucker, gentleman” Which you might notice is distinctly different from “I’m a mother fucking gentleman”. The latter statement would imply that Psy was a gentleman and either he fornicates with women who have bore children, or he is adamant in telling you about his gentlemanly-ness. However for the entirety of the video Psy does very ungentlemanly things which is partially why I believe the statement he makes is the former not the latter. Like I said, it’s fine. His pants are weirdly long in the crotch area.
#2 Miley Cyrus – Wrecking ball
Do I need to say anything about this one? Has everyone already heard everything they need to hear about it? Would this photo be enough to get me off the hook?
Yes that is in fact Betty white riding a wrecking ball.
….fine. So Miley’s mad at her boytoy and she comes is blow steam and then it ends up that she’s the one who gets hurt…. That’s it. The song is ok. It in no way justifies all the damn publicity and hype. OH MY GOD SHE’S NAKED! Fucking forgive me if I’m not shocked. I’d seen a naked girl before.
#3 Miley Cyrus – We can’t stop
I’ve talked about this one before but if you’re too lazy to go find my slightly more thought out opinion of this, It’s okay almost kinda sort of getting to the point where I like it a little but I can’t get over the content/tone mismatch. Now, you can mismatch content and tone (See Good Charlotte – The day that I die) but here it just doesn’t seem to work right for me.
#7 Rihanna – Stay ft. Mikky Ekko
I’ve never been a Rihanna fan, never really listened to her stuff before. For the most part you can consider me oblivious to her career, the only song that I know I’ve heard that I can attribute to her is the one that goes “Where have you been all my li-i-i-i-i-i-i-ife” over and over. Listened to this…. Still not a Rihanna fan. Moving on.
#11 One Direction – Best song ever
Now these songs I’m picking aren’t at random or anything, I’m just kind choosing one every so often at my discretion, so there were several parts of me that wanted to not choose this one. I haven’t listened to it yet, but I have one thing to say before I do: I fucking doubt it. … … Okay so music videos are stupid. They are. They just are. But what’s even worse than a just plain stupid music video, is a stupid fucking music video that takes over two fucking minutes to get to the god damn music! Ahh here we are, the music, I’d been beginning to think this video was a fucking troll. Oh I see, they aren’t saying this is the best song ever, they’re talking about the best song ever in this song… well you see, there’s a far better song which talks about the best song ever. Jack Black wrote it years ago. Are any of these fucking kids Jack Black? I didn’t think so.
#1 Psy – Gentleman
Eh. Something worse certainly could have been here. If you’d asked me to compose a list of what I thought the top songs released in 2013 was…. Well that would be a tedious process of me trying to remember when I came across what songs, then verifying their release dates, and probably would end with me telling you to go fuck yourself. That digression aside, this song certainly would not have been on it. Not cause I hold anything against this song, mostly cause I just heard it 3 minutes ago for the first time ever. It’s fine. Like Gangnam Style, I can’t well understand most of the words, other than “I’m a mother fucker, gentleman” Which you might notice is distinctly different from “I’m a mother fucking gentleman”. The latter statement would imply that Psy was a gentleman and either he fornicates with women who have bore children, or he is adamant in telling you about his gentlemanly-ness. However for the entirety of the video Psy does very ungentlemanly things which is partially why I believe the statement he makes is the former not the latter. Like I said, it’s fine. His pants are weirdly long in the crotch area.
#2 Miley Cyrus – Wrecking ball
Do I need to say anything about this one? Has everyone already heard everything they need to hear about it? Would this photo be enough to get me off the hook?
Yes that is in fact Betty white riding a wrecking ball.
….fine. So Miley’s mad at her boytoy and she comes is blow steam and then it ends up that she’s the one who gets hurt…. That’s it. The song is ok. It in no way justifies all the damn publicity and hype. OH MY GOD SHE’S NAKED! Fucking forgive me if I’m not shocked. I’d seen a naked girl before.
#3 Miley Cyrus – We can’t stop
I’ve talked about this one before but if you’re too lazy to go find my slightly more thought out opinion of this, It’s okay almost kinda sort of getting to the point where I like it a little but I can’t get over the content/tone mismatch. Now, you can mismatch content and tone (See Good Charlotte – The day that I die) but here it just doesn’t seem to work right for me.
#7 Rihanna – Stay ft. Mikky Ekko
I’ve never been a Rihanna fan, never really listened to her stuff before. For the most part you can consider me oblivious to her career, the only song that I know I’ve heard that I can attribute to her is the one that goes “Where have you been all my li-i-i-i-i-i-i-ife” over and over. Listened to this…. Still not a Rihanna fan. Moving on.
#11 One Direction – Best song ever
Now these songs I’m picking aren’t at random or anything, I’m just kind choosing one every so often at my discretion, so there were several parts of me that wanted to not choose this one. I haven’t listened to it yet, but I have one thing to say before I do: I fucking doubt it. … … Okay so music videos are stupid. They are. They just are. But what’s even worse than a just plain stupid music video, is a stupid fucking music video that takes over two fucking minutes to get to the god damn music! Ahh here we are, the music, I’d been beginning to think this video was a fucking troll. Oh I see, they aren’t saying this is the best song ever, they’re talking about the best song ever in this song… well you see, there’s a far better song which talks about the best song ever. Jack Black wrote it years ago. Are any of these fucking kids Jack Black? I didn’t think so.
#14 Macklemore and Ryan Lewis – Can’ hold us Ft. Ray Dalton
Fist thing I wanna say is that at 6 minutes, this shit clocks in as one long ass song. (The video is 7 minutes but the last minute isn’t part of the song…. Hey it’s almost like they knew people would want the damn music first. Take a page one direction… Christ who am I kidding you bastards need a couple full volumes) The song? It’s actually pretty good. If you haven’t heard it, I’d give this one a try.
#16 Daft Punk – Get Lucky ft. Pharrell Williams
Yes yes yes, why isn’t this higher on the list, yes. I have now found one thing that would certainly be on a best of list 2013 was I to write one. I’m not going to so don’t bother asking. If you haven’t heard this, go fix that. Also… Pharrell? Spelled like that? What the fuck was wrong with this guy’s parents to give their son a name that fucked up? Or is this a thing that relates to his ancestry that I’m just not getting?
#21 Taylor Swift – 22
I don’t know about you Taylor? After all we’ve been through you have the gall to say that. That hurts you know. I know you. You’re the cute perfectly innocent little down home southern girl who repeatedly dates cartoon supervillians, even when ya know going in they’re bad. And whoever this person is that you’re instructing to make sure they keep you close, I’m sure he’s gonna break your heart too. I had mixed feelings about we are never ever getting back together, but I did eventually really come to like that song, this one, I don’t think I ever will come to like it just seems so…. empty for Taylor. Woo we’re having fun. That’s it. Kinda disappointing. I know I just basically said all of her old songs were rather samey, but they at least seemed to have some soul in them. This is just…. here. Were the events of Taylor’s old breakup songs true, those would leave her with memories she’d never forget. This... she’ll forget this within a week. And so will I.
#25 Lady Gaga – Applause
As with Rihanna I've never been a big Lady Gaga fan.... or a small Lady Gaga fan... or an averaged-sized Lady Gaga fan. The one thing I can say about this song is that I'd be much more fond of it if she sung the entire thing in the voice she used in the second half of the chorus. Her voice sounds nice then but for some reason she does both verses in a lower voice that I just don't really care for, and that does not convey emotion well. She has this monotone blandness when talking about some of the critcism she gets, and it probably is best for her to not care about critics, but the other part being so damn lively and the transitions back and forth.... just don't not work for me.
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