Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters Review

…It’s not very good.
Well that about wraps it up.
…fine I’ll say a bit more.

Plot:
The pair in the picture above are Hansel and Gretel (I’ll let you guess which is which) and as in the fairy tale they go to a house made of candy. Therein they encounter a witch who, presumably, intends to eat them and forces Hansel to eat a lot of candy. Gretel manages to free herself and shanks the bitch prison style. She then frees her brother and they cook the old hag in her own oven. The siblings (now orphaned) decided, hey we’ve got a talent for this witch murdering thing, and decide to continue doing that for a number of off-screen years to change them from their child selves to the people you see above, who I guess are supposed to look badass but kinda fall short of that… by a fair distance. They get called in by a village with several missing children to deal with the witch they believe is behind it and in the course of doing so they find a dark secret about their past. WoooOOOoooo spooky.

So I said this movie isn’t very good; why is that? Well there’s a few reasons. For one the big shocking reveal is not shocking and has absolutely no effect on anything at all. Hansel has some stupid ass disease called sugar sickness from being force fed too much candy in the captivity of the witch as a child, but this is only mentioned twice ever in the movie. Once to say he has it, and once more in the very last fight to add about fifteen seconds of tension cause he collapses from his stupid illness. I’m sorry did you expect me to actually think the good guys wouldn’t win cause Hansel had an upset stomach for a few seconds. The witches are supposed to have cracked the code to being invincible and have summoned in all their friends for a big all witches brouhaha. But this doesn’t upset the balance at all since Hansel and friends have found a magic potion the allows their weapons to ignore the witches’ magic and poured it all over a minigun (no I’m not kidding). But what bothers me the most about this movie is Jeremy fuckin Renner. He is capable of doing so much better than this, and I’m not saying everything is his fault, I think he did an okay job at the shit part he was handed… but this is Hawkeye. This is the guy from the Bourne Legacy. This is that other guy from the new Mission Impossible movie. And he’s doing this shit!? Ugh.

In conclusion this movie isn’t outwardly awful, but it’s boring, forgettable, and everything here has been done better elsewhere. Skip it.

4 of something relating to this movie that I already forgot about out of 10