So I'd like to start of by giving this movie the only bit of praise it deserves. There's one moment in the movie where the turtles are sliding down a hill and several vehicles are chasing them. During this part Donatello and Raphael do a very cool slingshot type co-op attack. The roughly seven seconds this takes genuinely made me think, Damn that's awesome. Sadly the entire movie save those seven seconds was horrible. I'd advise you to look that up on youtube and watch that and save yourself the rest.
So then, I feel it's probably worth mentioning that I did watch the cartoon as a child and that it certainly affects my opinion of the film in question, probably because the established lore is repeatedly spit on and the base quality of any random episode of the cartoon is infinitely better than this.
Look you want the totally spoiler free review? It's horrible don't watch it. From here on in there will be spoilers if you'd like to avoid them leave now.
So then a huge part of the lore is destroyed in that the turtles are now April's former pets. Also they aren't mutated from a vial of mysterious glowing green ooze. They (and Splinter) were mutated in a lab where April's father and some other people worked. They also now act like fucking six year olds. Yes they have always been called "teenage" but A. that has never been an important part of their character and B. they aren't acting teenage, they're acting down right fucking childish.
Shedder's armor also looks fucking laughable. He really looks like he walked right out of Bay's other travesty, the transformers films. Instead of having the proper wolverine style claws he now has some crazy ass gauntlets with like 15 blades on each arm, all of them capable of being fired ballistic knife style and them magically returning to him like they're a fucking boomerang.
Also, Donatello never wore glasses and are we really not past the whole glasses = nerd thing yet? I'd have figured by now that stupid stigma would be gone. And to comment further Donatello's backpack makes him look like he's cosplaying as a fucking ghostbuster.
Oh oh one more. At least once (though I believe twice) the movie disobeys its fucking rules. There's a point where the turltes are trapped in plastic cages. They then break the cages and they shatter like glass. And I'm fairly certain that Raphael sticks his head into the cab of a semi truck while he is standing in the back. Which would involve going through two sheets of metal and roughly a foot of open space.
Just.... ugh. Look it's fucking awful. Don't watch this.
1 childhood love pissed on out of 10
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