Green’s Take:
So I’m sure that the people reading this are thinking one of the following three things:
1. What the hell is Golden Sun? I’ve never heard of it and I’m interested. Alright skip the remainder of this section and start reading the next paragraph the review.
2. Why the hell is Golden Sun being reviewed here that game was on the GBA and is thereby old. Well you clearly didn’t read intro post did you!? Go back and read it I don’t need one of you crying to your mom if I happen to use the words cunt or fuck
3. Hey look that guys reviewing Golden Sun! I remember that game. I wonder what he said about it.
Good for you sir or madam you actually found one of the good RPGs
Right on to the actual review part of the review. So in golden sun you play a character who is normally named Isaac but those of us who find it funny can name him cuntmuffin or Cpt. Vagina or anything else that fits within the character limit. Anyway Cpt. Vagina and his best friend Garet team up with a girl named Jenna and an old fellow named Kraden who’s only there cause he’s obsessed with magic but neither of these two characters really matter cause after a short trounce around in a place where its exceedingly evident you’re not supposed to be the two of them get plucked almost entirely out of the game as they are taken hostage by the bad guys. The bad guys and their in tow hostages then steal three of the four shiny gems needed to light these things called the lighthouses. Each lighthouse pertains to a certain planet and each planet correlates to a specific element and very conveniently you have an equal number of elements and characters to exploit the element and each character is geared toward a specific element. In short the entire game is spent chasing the bad guys who only show up three times in the whole game. Four if you count that bit at the beginning in which the two of the bad guys that are agreeably bad, because there’s one that isn’t really and seems uneasy with the whole concept of the hostages but he’s going along with it anyway for some reason that’s never really explained. I would painfully ask you to overlook the story of this game but I don’t even half to. See there isn’t really much story to speak of. The next three paragraphs will be spent going over all the bits of story I did find in the game so you should all consider this your official
Spoiler Warning
Okay the beginning is a storm in the village that we are only required to play so that we see that Jenna’s brother Felix is lost because he fell into a stream and nobody could save him. Then after just a few puzzles the fucker is back revealing himself as being with the bad guys although not really with them and ensuring that no harm will befall her which raises the question why they bother to take her as a hostage at all. “Yeah we not going to do anything to her but you can’t have her back.” Anyway you present them with three of the shiny end of the world bits that light the lighthouses but what exactly the lighthouses will do when they are lit I only figured out after I began playing the sequel to Golden Sun. That’s right one of the two prongs that form your motivation isn’t even explained until you’re playing the second game which doesn’t even center around the same fucking characters. The other prong behind you prodding you forward is to save the girl and the old man from your home village. The victory in this would be that you could then all sit around in the village for something like 70 years and then die, except for Kraden who will die far sooner since he’s already old.
There’s a rather large sidequest involving Ivan and the mayor of his town but he has such a large impact upon the character he’s also presumably his step father or something. However, it’s hard for me to call this a sidequest since its laid right over the main quest and all of it must be done and in the end the only reward for completing the mandatory sidequest is a completely useless staff you already had, that you’re promised will do something important, but in the end only serves to fill a square of your inventory for the whole game, much like forth world destroying magic power unlocking gem, and that Ivan perhaps feels better knowing he has the blessing of his father-esq character who knew that Ivan would have to go on this quest all along but was too much of a cock to tell him. Then there’s a bit where the mayor of some town is dying in a cave you happen to be walking through and you save him. But instead of just being grateful and giving you the magic black gem he has, he forces the main character to enter a tournament before giving it up. A magical black gem that by the way is another completely useless item that will serve only to clog up you inventory. Then it’s off the final area of the game which doesn’t even present itself in a spectacular light and I was very confused as to why the FAQ I was following to try and figure out where the hell to go next just kind of ended abruptly.
So you climb a big tower kill the big baddies and save the girl right? Fucking wrong! You climb a big tower fight the baddies then have to sit through several cutscenes before walking onto a boat which ends the game. Nothing gets resolved. You don’t save the girl as she and the old guy are absent from the big show down also you don’t even stop the lighting of the lighthouses. It looks that way but it’s then revealed that the remnants of the “bad guys” have decided that with the worst guys from the bad guy team thoroughly dead the best thing would be to finish their quest. And why you might ask would they do that? Didn’t that set of people consist of a guy who didn’t want to be involved his equally not wanting to be involved sister and an old man? Well yes they also reveal a girl who was also taken captive sometime in the several hours since the baddies last showed their faces. But why does anybody care!? What will reactivating the lighthouses do? It will restore alchemy to the world. Alchemy being a force that isn’t even brought up till the second game and then is spoken of with only praise. So why would we want to prevent the resurface of alchemy? In the end its cause you’re playing as a group of fuckin children who don’t even slightly understand the impact of their actions leaving me to question if perhaps I was in fact playing the "bad guys" all along. It was at least the “severely misguided guys”
Spoiler Over
So in the end the story fucking sucks a giant dick but I think the game designers knew that and that’s why the whole plot line is only brought up like three times in the whole fucking game. The majority of the game consists of combat and puzzles. And you know what? Both of them work well. The combat system, while very click heavy – seriously first you click combat, then you click the attack, then you click the enemy, then you have to click for the effect it had upon the enemy, then you have other possible clicks for the additional affects to anyone else if it’s an area of effect skill- actually works quite nicely. The majority of the standard run-of-the-mill enemies can de dispatched with a few swings of your axe and the bigger guys can be taken down with more swings or using any of the wide array of magic spells or the djinns and the summons. The puzzles vary themselves out as the player unlocks magic bits and baubles which grant new powers and in fact many puzzles I actually had to take a moment and think “Okay exactly how the fuck do I do this.” So in the end it’s a good game but don’t play it for the story or you’ll probly just end up crying in your bathroom eating a whole bottle of pills and cutting yourself with your mom’s razor.
8 wobly, bobly, and sometimes exceeding difficult to capture djinns out of 10
So I’m sure that the people reading this are thinking one of the following three things:
1. What the hell is Golden Sun? I’ve never heard of it and I’m interested. Alright skip the remainder of this section and start reading the next paragraph the review.
2. Why the hell is Golden Sun being reviewed here that game was on the GBA and is thereby old. Well you clearly didn’t read intro post did you!? Go back and read it I don’t need one of you crying to your mom if I happen to use the words cunt or fuck
3. Hey look that guys reviewing Golden Sun! I remember that game. I wonder what he said about it.
Good for you sir or madam you actually found one of the good RPGs
Right on to the actual review part of the review. So in golden sun you play a character who is normally named Isaac but those of us who find it funny can name him cuntmuffin or Cpt. Vagina or anything else that fits within the character limit. Anyway Cpt. Vagina and his best friend Garet team up with a girl named Jenna and an old fellow named Kraden who’s only there cause he’s obsessed with magic but neither of these two characters really matter cause after a short trounce around in a place where its exceedingly evident you’re not supposed to be the two of them get plucked almost entirely out of the game as they are taken hostage by the bad guys. The bad guys and their in tow hostages then steal three of the four shiny gems needed to light these things called the lighthouses. Each lighthouse pertains to a certain planet and each planet correlates to a specific element and very conveniently you have an equal number of elements and characters to exploit the element and each character is geared toward a specific element. In short the entire game is spent chasing the bad guys who only show up three times in the whole game. Four if you count that bit at the beginning in which the two of the bad guys that are agreeably bad, because there’s one that isn’t really and seems uneasy with the whole concept of the hostages but he’s going along with it anyway for some reason that’s never really explained. I would painfully ask you to overlook the story of this game but I don’t even half to. See there isn’t really much story to speak of. The next three paragraphs will be spent going over all the bits of story I did find in the game so you should all consider this your official
Spoiler Warning
Okay the beginning is a storm in the village that we are only required to play so that we see that Jenna’s brother Felix is lost because he fell into a stream and nobody could save him. Then after just a few puzzles the fucker is back revealing himself as being with the bad guys although not really with them and ensuring that no harm will befall her which raises the question why they bother to take her as a hostage at all. “Yeah we not going to do anything to her but you can’t have her back.” Anyway you present them with three of the shiny end of the world bits that light the lighthouses but what exactly the lighthouses will do when they are lit I only figured out after I began playing the sequel to Golden Sun. That’s right one of the two prongs that form your motivation isn’t even explained until you’re playing the second game which doesn’t even center around the same fucking characters. The other prong behind you prodding you forward is to save the girl and the old man from your home village. The victory in this would be that you could then all sit around in the village for something like 70 years and then die, except for Kraden who will die far sooner since he’s already old.
There’s a rather large sidequest involving Ivan and the mayor of his town but he has such a large impact upon the character he’s also presumably his step father or something. However, it’s hard for me to call this a sidequest since its laid right over the main quest and all of it must be done and in the end the only reward for completing the mandatory sidequest is a completely useless staff you already had, that you’re promised will do something important, but in the end only serves to fill a square of your inventory for the whole game, much like forth world destroying magic power unlocking gem, and that Ivan perhaps feels better knowing he has the blessing of his father-esq character who knew that Ivan would have to go on this quest all along but was too much of a cock to tell him. Then there’s a bit where the mayor of some town is dying in a cave you happen to be walking through and you save him. But instead of just being grateful and giving you the magic black gem he has, he forces the main character to enter a tournament before giving it up. A magical black gem that by the way is another completely useless item that will serve only to clog up you inventory. Then it’s off the final area of the game which doesn’t even present itself in a spectacular light and I was very confused as to why the FAQ I was following to try and figure out where the hell to go next just kind of ended abruptly.
So you climb a big tower kill the big baddies and save the girl right? Fucking wrong! You climb a big tower fight the baddies then have to sit through several cutscenes before walking onto a boat which ends the game. Nothing gets resolved. You don’t save the girl as she and the old guy are absent from the big show down also you don’t even stop the lighting of the lighthouses. It looks that way but it’s then revealed that the remnants of the “bad guys” have decided that with the worst guys from the bad guy team thoroughly dead the best thing would be to finish their quest. And why you might ask would they do that? Didn’t that set of people consist of a guy who didn’t want to be involved his equally not wanting to be involved sister and an old man? Well yes they also reveal a girl who was also taken captive sometime in the several hours since the baddies last showed their faces. But why does anybody care!? What will reactivating the lighthouses do? It will restore alchemy to the world. Alchemy being a force that isn’t even brought up till the second game and then is spoken of with only praise. So why would we want to prevent the resurface of alchemy? In the end its cause you’re playing as a group of fuckin children who don’t even slightly understand the impact of their actions leaving me to question if perhaps I was in fact playing the "bad guys" all along. It was at least the “severely misguided guys”
Spoiler Over
So in the end the story fucking sucks a giant dick but I think the game designers knew that and that’s why the whole plot line is only brought up like three times in the whole fucking game. The majority of the game consists of combat and puzzles. And you know what? Both of them work well. The combat system, while very click heavy – seriously first you click combat, then you click the attack, then you click the enemy, then you have to click for the effect it had upon the enemy, then you have other possible clicks for the additional affects to anyone else if it’s an area of effect skill- actually works quite nicely. The majority of the standard run-of-the-mill enemies can de dispatched with a few swings of your axe and the bigger guys can be taken down with more swings or using any of the wide array of magic spells or the djinns and the summons. The puzzles vary themselves out as the player unlocks magic bits and baubles which grant new powers and in fact many puzzles I actually had to take a moment and think “Okay exactly how the fuck do I do this.” So in the end it’s a good game but don’t play it for the story or you’ll probly just end up crying in your bathroom eating a whole bottle of pills and cutting yourself with your mom’s razor.
8 wobly, bobly, and sometimes exceeding difficult to capture djinns out of 10
No comments:
Post a Comment