Final Fantasy XIII-2
Platform: X360/PS3
Release Date: 2011 in Japan, Most likely 2012 in US
Developer: Square Enix
Blue’s Take:
So because me and Final Fantasy go waaaaay back to, oh I don’t know, Final Fantasy I, I feel the need to say a couple of things to Square Enix. Look dipshits, stop, just stop now. No more of this shitty combat. You have tried it before with Final Fantasy and it didn’t work.
I realized they have tried it before, only after I wrote my review of XIII, and now I know why the combat stinks and tastes like shit so bad. Then it hit me, I listed X-2 as a better game in the review.... That means I lied. The combat in XIII is obviously inspired by the combat in X-2 which was until XIII, what I thought to be the worst Final Fantasy title ever made. And really, I have played almost every spin off imaginable. I know now though, that I thought X-2 was better because I tried to erase those memories from my brain! I actually forced myself to think about the combat of X-2 in my head after I wrote that review and promptly felt like taking a fork and shoving it up my ass. Prong-side first. Anyways, NO ONE LIKED X-2! Most people I know who were FF fans didn’t even play it! And maybe that is what Square Enix was hoping for with XIII. “Eh, despite all the hate that surfaced around X-2, maybe no one played it! It has to be blind hatred, so lets just take the combat from that and make it the combat for XIII!” Well, no, people did play it, most didn’t like it. So yes, I’ve realized that you're trying to implement a shit battle configuration that no one liked the first time. But I do have a proposal for all of you at Square Enix before I go. If you insist on selling us shit like X-2 and XIII and want to continue making money whilst spending less, why not do this instead:
1. Make bigger cases.
2. Fill them with literal dog/cat/human/bird shit. Hell, do em all and make it an “ultra pack”
3. Sell it to us for the usual 59.99 USD.
4. This is what we, the gamer, do with this shit
Platform: X360/PS3
Release Date: 2011 in Japan, Most likely 2012 in US
Developer: Square Enix
Blue’s Take:
So because me and Final Fantasy go waaaaay back to, oh I don’t know, Final Fantasy I, I feel the need to say a couple of things to Square Enix. Look dipshits, stop, just stop now. No more of this shitty combat. You have tried it before with Final Fantasy and it didn’t work.
I realized they have tried it before, only after I wrote my review of XIII, and now I know why the combat stinks and tastes like shit so bad. Then it hit me, I listed X-2 as a better game in the review.... That means I lied. The combat in XIII is obviously inspired by the combat in X-2 which was until XIII, what I thought to be the worst Final Fantasy title ever made. And really, I have played almost every spin off imaginable. I know now though, that I thought X-2 was better because I tried to erase those memories from my brain! I actually forced myself to think about the combat of X-2 in my head after I wrote that review and promptly felt like taking a fork and shoving it up my ass. Prong-side first. Anyways, NO ONE LIKED X-2! Most people I know who were FF fans didn’t even play it! And maybe that is what Square Enix was hoping for with XIII. “Eh, despite all the hate that surfaced around X-2, maybe no one played it! It has to be blind hatred, so lets just take the combat from that and make it the combat for XIII!” Well, no, people did play it, most didn’t like it. So yes, I’ve realized that you're trying to implement a shit battle configuration that no one liked the first time. But I do have a proposal for all of you at Square Enix before I go. If you insist on selling us shit like X-2 and XIII and want to continue making money whilst spending less, why not do this instead:
1. Make bigger cases.
2. Fill them with literal dog/cat/human/bird shit. Hell, do em all and make it an “ultra pack”
3. Sell it to us for the usual 59.99 USD.
4. This is what we, the gamer, do with this shit
a. fill our 360/PS3 disc tray with it and attempt to play it.
b. read the shit covered instruction booklet to find out why the game won’t play. The book says this to fix the problem.
i. Rub the shit on your ears, eyes, and crotch.
ii. Then stuff whatever excess that is left, into your mouth and chew.
c. follow those instructions
5. You (Square Enix) will STILL make millions, because even by telling us to literally buy, eat, and play with shit, you will be doing the same thing you are now. Even if there is a difficulty setting on your current combat, as there will be on XIII-2, its still shit. Have a nice day pressing the A/X button.
(Also, XIII-2 has had about a year in development and its 70% complete according to the company. I don’t think they changed much, do you?)
(Also, XIII-2 has had about a year in development and its 70% complete according to the company. I don’t think they changed much, do you?)
Halo 4
Platform: X360
Release Date: Unknown
Developer: 343 Industries
Blue’s Take:
So, when I saw that Bungie had separated from Microsoft, it was a rather joyous occasion for me. Then I learned the rights of Halo stayed with Microsoft and they just planned on giving it to someone else and I felt like snapping my Halo: Reach disc. Instead of saying, “Well, we have the trilogy, we have a spinoff, and we have a prequel. This cash cow is starting to produce powder so let’s kill it and make some juicy hamburgers!” they said this, “Well, we have the trilogy, we have a spinoff, and we have a prequel. This cash cow is starting to produce powder so lets give the cow to someone else!” And that is exactly what they did. They gave what I would have considered a worthless cash cow to yet another company. That company is 343 Industries.Ummmm, has no one else heard of them? Okay yes, Halo Waypoint was by them and... and..... Wait a minute..... Aren’t these the people Microsoft established to keep track of all things Halo on 2007? Yeah, they are. Well, at least we know who they are now. 343i has this worthless cash cow now, what are their plans for it? Hamburgers?.... Nope, they want to pump 3 more games out of the udders of this damn thing. Hmm, well with Halo 4, 5, 6 (6, 7, 8) on the way I have to say this is getting ridiculous. And of course they will throw in a spin off and a prequel to the trilogy. No! It’s not Halo 3! Its Halo 3.5, watch! They’ll find a way, I know they will. Having played only Halo 3, ODST, and Reach, I might get this one. Any after? I doubt very seriously they will even be Gamefly rents.
Platform: X360
Release Date: Unknown
Developer: 343 Industries
Blue’s Take:
So, when I saw that Bungie had separated from Microsoft, it was a rather joyous occasion for me. Then I learned the rights of Halo stayed with Microsoft and they just planned on giving it to someone else and I felt like snapping my Halo: Reach disc. Instead of saying, “Well, we have the trilogy, we have a spinoff, and we have a prequel. This cash cow is starting to produce powder so let’s kill it and make some juicy hamburgers!” they said this, “Well, we have the trilogy, we have a spinoff, and we have a prequel. This cash cow is starting to produce powder so lets give the cow to someone else!” And that is exactly what they did. They gave what I would have considered a worthless cash cow to yet another company. That company is 343 Industries.Ummmm, has no one else heard of them? Okay yes, Halo Waypoint was by them and... and..... Wait a minute..... Aren’t these the people Microsoft established to keep track of all things Halo on 2007? Yeah, they are. Well, at least we know who they are now. 343i has this worthless cash cow now, what are their plans for it? Hamburgers?.... Nope, they want to pump 3 more games out of the udders of this damn thing. Hmm, well with Halo 4, 5, 6 (6, 7, 8) on the way I have to say this is getting ridiculous. And of course they will throw in a spin off and a prequel to the trilogy. No! It’s not Halo 3! Its Halo 3.5, watch! They’ll find a way, I know they will. Having played only Halo 3, ODST, and Reach, I might get this one. Any after? I doubt very seriously they will even be Gamefly rents.
Resident Evil: Operation Raccoon City
Platform: X360/PS3/PC
Release Date: Unknown
Developer: Slant Six Games
Green’s Take:
Okay ummmm I’m gonna get murdered for this. *sigh* Here goes nothing. I did not like RE4.... huh well that’s not half as bad *sound of an arrow being fired from a crossbow* GAH! Damn spoke too soon. I’m sorry okay? *second arrow being fired from crossbow* AHHH! Stop please! Look I was gonna say but iI did like RE5 okay? *looks around* Okay ummm yeah I liked RE5 and now they announced RE:ORC heh orc it makes a word. Side thought an undead orc would be scary as shit; cause that a zombie with the strength of an orc. How are you gonna stop that!? It’s a damn good thing Sauron never got the idea to kill his army and revive them as zombies. LOTR wouldn’t have had such a happy ending if he had thought of using zombie orcs. Anyway back to RE:ORC from what I have found out the play can pick his favorite from a group of spec ops soldiers (their probly members of STARS, but I’m not sure about that) and you have but one single goal: Kill everything!! Apparently RE:ORC takes place in, no prizes for guessing this one, Racoon city right after the out break, their would have been prizes for guessing when... but i don’t have the money to buy prizes to give to you guys. But yeah that’s basically it here’s your guys go deal with this problem. Now before I cut off I wanna make a prediction. So anybody who doesn’t want to hear what I think is gonna happen at the end of the game should get the fuck out now! Okay we good? Alright then yeah so the team is suppose to quell the infection by killing everything. 10 the 1 says the end of the game is your own team being backstabbed by higher-ups because they didn’t want to risk your team spreading the infection. Anybody else wanna take a crack at it?
Platform: X360/PS3/PC
Release Date: Unknown
Developer: Slant Six Games
Green’s Take:
Okay ummmm I’m gonna get murdered for this. *sigh* Here goes nothing. I did not like RE4.... huh well that’s not half as bad *sound of an arrow being fired from a crossbow* GAH! Damn spoke too soon. I’m sorry okay? *second arrow being fired from crossbow* AHHH! Stop please! Look I was gonna say but iI did like RE5 okay? *looks around* Okay ummm yeah I liked RE5 and now they announced RE:ORC heh orc it makes a word. Side thought an undead orc would be scary as shit; cause that a zombie with the strength of an orc. How are you gonna stop that!? It’s a damn good thing Sauron never got the idea to kill his army and revive them as zombies. LOTR wouldn’t have had such a happy ending if he had thought of using zombie orcs. Anyway back to RE:ORC from what I have found out the play can pick his favorite from a group of spec ops soldiers (their probly members of STARS, but I’m not sure about that) and you have but one single goal: Kill everything!! Apparently RE:ORC takes place in, no prizes for guessing this one, Racoon city right after the out break, their would have been prizes for guessing when... but i don’t have the money to buy prizes to give to you guys. But yeah that’s basically it here’s your guys go deal with this problem. Now before I cut off I wanna make a prediction. So anybody who doesn’t want to hear what I think is gonna happen at the end of the game should get the fuck out now! Okay we good? Alright then yeah so the team is suppose to quell the infection by killing everything. 10 the 1 says the end of the game is your own team being backstabbed by higher-ups because they didn’t want to risk your team spreading the infection. Anybody else wanna take a crack at it?
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