Spelunky

So I wanna talk about a game I got recently  from the xbox live arcade and anybody who read the title knows what it is. Ya know what, I think I'm gonna start fuckin lying in the title so that there will actually be some level of interest about hmm I wonder what this post is about.

Anyway Spelunky I got it for 1200 microsoft points, for those of you that don't know the conversion rate that's $15. Originally I felt like maybe the game was a little over priced at that point but I had the points sitting around on my account so I said why not and I now realize that I will probably be sinking a lot of time into this game.

There is essentially no story line at all aside from you being some money hungry fuck who is willing to murder, pillage, desecrate graves, abuse slave labor, perform human sacrifice, and just generally do anything for a buck (So not kidding about any of the things in this sentence). So the game is entirely dependent on gameplay but it in no way falls flat because of that. The game is a platformer and the overall goal is to proceed from the spawn point down to the end of each level until you win. However, the game does fucking everything it can to prevent you from having any chance of doing that. Anything and everything is out to kill you in the worst ways the bright and colorful sprites and set design will allow. Let me provide a small list of the ways I've managed to die thus far: Spider bite, snake bite, falling onto spikes, getting shot by arrow traps, getting shot by angry shop keepers, getting swarmed by a vampire and his bat army, impaled by tiki trap, good old falling damage, eaten by piranha plants, eaten by piranhas, and perhaps best of all murdered by an individual I can only assume is meant to be Abraham Lincoln after I had smashed a coffin to save his ass inside a spooky castle. And all of that has happened in only the first two areas of the game and a the three secret levels I've found thus far; One of those secret levels being the interior of a large worm. This game is brutal as shit. All you really have to defend yourself is a few meager starting supplies and a whip that has range so short the enemy has to be close enough you could taste them and that whip will actually just stun pretty much anything other than the weakest enemies. So if you want to survive at all you have to think about what the fuck you're doing and be very good at working with whatever random map layout the game gives you. Oh yeah by the way, every time you click play the game generates a new world so it's never the same game twice. And there's no carrying over all the cool gear you found last time. You start as the same weak, helpless mother fucker every single time and have to try not to die as the entire world attempts to murder you repeatedly.

It's hard as hell. It's fast paced. It's pleasing to look at. It controls extremely well. It's just god damn fun.

If you have an xbox and you have the points and you're the type that appreciates a game punching you in the face and telling you that you fucked up, which anyone who read my dark souls review knows I'm a fan of, The I recommend you get the trial give it a whirl and if it seems up your alley, buy the game. I'm enjoying the hell out of it myself and I'm certainly going to keep playing it despite the game repeatedly punishing me for doing so.

8 damsels sacrificed to Kali out of 10